Archive for random tables

What happens at 0 hit points

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 22, 2012 by reignofjotuns

Normally I rule that at 0, you’re dead. I find ‘rolling to stabilize’ or whatever somewhat tedious, to say the least. However, seeing this while I was browsing for random tables really made my day. So, I decided to make my own, more-or-less original 0-hit-point table.

Roll 2d8 (For drama’s sake, you may modify the roll towards the nearest extreme by one point for every three character levels):

2 You died of natural causes (brain hemorrhaging, heart failure, popped lung) just before your hero’s death. You will take the form of a unique undead creature (Hit Dice equal to your previous level +1d8) and seek out and kill, one by one, every being present at that battle in a futile attempt at closure. In 1d4 weeks, your next targets will be your previous companions.

3-4 You have impressed a demon with your deeds, so much so that it has decided to take you for its own- right before you could die and journey to your rightful destination, it snatched you from the battlefield. A raid on hell will be necessary to get you back. When you return, you will have lost one point each of Charisma, Constitution, and Strength.

5 Crippled for life, Permanently lose a Hit Die.

6-7 Blow to the head left lasting brain damage. Lose 2 points each of Dexterity, Intelligence, and Wisdom/develop a strong phobia relative to the incident.

8-10 You bleed to death unless you get medical attention within seven rounds. You are completely bed-ridden for the next 2d4 days.

11-12 Welp, he’s a goner.

13 Lose your: 1- right hand, 2- right leg, 3- left hand, 4- left leg, 5- left eye, 6- right eye, 7- nose, 8- head.

14-15 A Valkyrie appears, and carries you away to Valhalla. A raid on Valhalla will be necessary to get you back. When you return, you will have gained a point each of Charisma, Constitution, and Strength.

16 Your deeds have earned you one wish which you may use to affect the lot of those who you knew in the mortal plane. You need not use the wish right away, of course.


100 Post-Apocalyptic/Kitchen Sink Treasures

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 22, 2012 by reignofjotuns

For use in Mutant Future, Gamma World, Encounter Critical, Metamorphosis Alpha, et all.

You have found…

  1. An atomic Zippo.
  2. A Susan B. Anthony dollar.
  3. Groucho glasses with actual lenses.
  4. A golden dreamcatcher with silver wire.
  5. A heavily graffitied scout handbook. You can’t tell whether for boy scouts or girl scouts.
  6. A Swiss army knife, every tool broken or missing except the toothpick.
  7. A wax apple with a bite in it.
  8. A copy of Life, the Universe, and Everything by Douglas Adams, page 42 torn out.
  9. A three-eyed teddy bear.
  10. A broken Coffee mug saying “Kiss Me, I’m I—“.
  11. An old dog collar. It looks exactly like the one you had for your dog when you were 12, but the name tag says “Seymour Butts”.
  12. A broken jar with various bottle caps spilling out of it.
  13. A cassette tape in a case labeled Blonde on Blonde. 1-3 too messed up to listen to, 4-5 seems okay then cuts out 1:24 in, 6 it sounds more excellent then you thought possible, but spontaneously catches fire in the middle of the last track, 7-10 actually a Best of Queen tape with “Fat-Bottomed Girls” the only listenable track.
  14. A shark-tooth necklace with no shark teeth on it.
  15. A scrap of paper from a dictionary showing the definition of the word “pusillanimity”.
  16. A corked baseball bat, signed by Ken Kesey.
  17. A chess-board with golden pieces. One pawn has been lost and replaced with a plastic checker.
  18. A box containing 1d6 webcams with broken microphones.
  19. A banjo with 1d8-3 broken strings.
  20. 1d4 cans of spam. The expiration dates are illegible.
  21. 50-110 feet of cobweb-filled rubber garden hose (untangling takes 1d4 hours).
  22. A condom, stretched out beyond the point of human usefulness.
  23. A shopping cart with a squeaky wheel and burnt cheese stuck to the bottom.
  24. An iron coin with a sharpened edge.
  25. 1d4 monster truck tires.
  26. A foot-long staple monster on a four-foot pole.
  27. A Calvin and Hobbes collection with moustaches and pig-snouts drawn on all the characters.
  28. A third edition copy of The Oligarchist’s Cookbook. The third edition, wisely, was designed to be more or less fire-proof.
  29. An extremely collectible plastic figurine, from the short-lived She-Man line.
  30. A collection of 20th century tax forms, tastefully formed into a variety of origami birds.
  31. A carbon steel carving knife, embedded in a voodoo doll made out of a baked potato.
  32. A 1’x1’x1′ cube of redwood with sides numbered 1 through six.
  33. A perfectly functional cell phone, with Pac-Man downloaded and 1d12 hours of battery life remaining.
  34. An envelope labeled “Warning! Contains Anthrax!” (1-2 anthrax, 3-4 baking soda, 5-6 a cassette tape labeled Fistful of Metal (1984), see #13).
  35. A rough-cut, chiseled 4’x1′ oak sign that simply says: “REMEMBER”.
  36. A dead ferret.
  37. A cat skull with the jaw missing.
  38. A Rubik’s Cube with one side solved (unsolvable; one of the white squares is green instead. Nobody will notice this unless they are specifically counting the squares).
  39. A plastic baggy full of white powder (1-2 cocaine 3-4 asbestos 5-6 Ajax).
  40. 2d20 pogs.
  41. An oil painting of various racially charged epithets, symbols, and scenes.
  42. 2d6 cans of Monstruo Loco de Gila meat-flavored energy drink- made with real meat!
  43. A rare #1 pencil.
  44. This.
  45. The taxidermied head of a baby mammoth with an eye-patch.
  46. One rabbit’s foot necklace of twice normal size.
  47. A bag of really crappy “green apple” flavored gummy army men.
  48. A folding pocket-knife large enough to be a broadsword.
  49. A car stereo (1-2 works well, 3-4 doesn’t work, 5-6 has an old grilled cheese sandwich wedged in the slot).
  50. One “Cherry 2000” model android (4 in 6 broken, 2 in 6 repairable).
  51. A very mildly broken TV set.
  52. A dead ogre with moss growing on him.
  53. A gladius sword.
  54. 4d100 plastic army men, in these ratios: 40% minesweepers, 20% guys with binoculars, 30% that one guy holding a sub-machine gun over his head who’s always falling over, 10% scared-looking guys with pistols, exactly 1 guy who looks cool.
  55. A box of 1d100 x 2 cable ties.
  56. Fake Karl Marx beard.
  57. 1d3 cans of silly string.
  58. A wizened and hunched old owl, usually appears to be stuffed rather wrong.
  59. Cell-phone capable of calling into the past and future. Conversation is one-way, it gives dizziness and headaches, and each time you use it there is a 1 in 12 chance that you get horrible, throbbing brain tumors.
  60. A Nintendo 64 with 1d6 cartridges, 1d4-2 of which are broken.
  61. 1d8 carbonite dice with different numbers of sides. Each one has a poisonous spider frozen inside.
  62. A bike chain whip.
  63. A biker helmet with a torch-holder on top.
  64. A shield with a motto emblazoned on it (1-2 Elvis Lives! 3-4 Ain’t Nobody’s Bitch 5-6 Oakland Raiders).
  65. 2 doglock blunderbuss pistols, with horns of powder and shot (2 in 6 chance each of being full). On each pistol is inscribed: “Highland Dragon”.
  66. A “magic 8 ball”. 4 times in 6 it comes up edge.
  67. A 7-11 corn dog. If anybody cares to eat it, they will find that the preservatives have kept it ‘fresh’ over the years and get no sicker than they would have if it were new.
  68. 1d3 pounds of baking chocolate.
  69. A vial of troll semen (3 in 6 chance of venereal disease).
  70. A stagnant lava lamp.
  71. 1d4 gold teeth.
  72. An adamantium saxophone.
  73. A cedar pipe carved in the shape of a woman’s buttocks.
  74. A bronze robotic prosthetic hand.
  75. A prank lotto scratcher, unscratched.
  76. 1d6 throwing stars made out of old CDs.
  77. An artistic license. The name on it is Ellison Orange. In place of a photo it has a Picasso-style portrait of the owner.
  78. The missing pages of the Voynich Manuscript.
  79. A curly blonde wig.
  80. A rubber glove with suction cups on the fingertips, purpose unknown.
  81. A leather belt with a silver buckle shaped like a lion’s head with horns and a forked tongue.
  82. A cracked Rolex.
  83. A stuffed Linux penguin.
  84. A jar with air holes in it containing 1d8 creatures and appropriate food (1-2 centipedes 3-4 rot grubs 5-6 scorpions).
  85. 1d4 scalps.
  86. A Scottish broadsword.
  87. A laser carbine, unfortunately leaking battery acid from the handle.
  88. Several photographs of concrete parking stops wearing lingerie.
  89. A gold pocket-watch.
  90. A silver knife, inscribed: “For Baldwin, who lost his arm to a rot grub, an elf with a large axe, and his own hubris.”
  91. 1d4 jam jars full of naturally produced methane.
  92. A tiny bottle labeled “Red Flavoring”. It is actually full of blue flavoring.
  93. A lantern full of common sunstones.
  94. An alligator-skin coat.
  95. A pair of dark green scissors-glasses with bronze rims.
  96. A partially melted plastic lightsaber.
  97. 1d6 bottles of Jack Danielson.
  98. An absorbent space-rag.
  99. A pair of black woolen mittens.
  100. A monogrammed hip flask with a leak in the bottom.

Any time you use this table, there is a 1 in 10 chance that it smells of urine. Choose what kind or roll on the handy What Made a Mess? table below.

What Made a Mess?

  1. Goblin
  2. Woolly Mammoth
  3. Tasmanian Tiger
  4. Lone Velociraptor
  5. Gorilla
  6. Troll
  7. Wino
  8. Eagle
  9. Leprechaun or Faerie
  10. Orca Whale
  11. Tortoise
  12. Yorkie

Captain Bear’s Random Magic Weapon Tables

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on March 8, 2012 by reignofjotuns

A page of very ‘kitchen sink’ tables which enable you, with only a d20 and a d12, to generate a

  • Cutlass
  • Made of Elder God’s Blood
  • Tempered in Nun’s Tears
  • with a Secret Compartment Full of Weed
  •  that Vibrates When Warm,
  • Enables you to Wear an Eyepatch Without Hampering Your Depth Perception,
  • and summons your very own Giant Bald Eagle for all your travel needs!

Why yes, I DID join the Encounter Critical mailing list recently, why do you ask?